Athlete New Year’s Resolutions
630thefan.com’s team of crack reporters has spanned the country to obtain the New Year’s resolutions from some of the top athletes making news in 2014. These are the exclusive results.
Derek Jeter – New York Yankees Shortstop – Jeter retired from baseball in 2014. He had a thousand clutch hits, a hundred spectacular post-season highlights, ten career-defining moments, 1 team and zero negative, distracting, diva drama issues in a 20-year career. Resolution: Give failure a try.
Alex Rodriguez – New York Yankees Third Baseman – A-Rod finally admitted to using steroids throughout his career and served a 162-game suspension from baseball in 2014. Resolution: Find out what Jeter’s taking and get me some of that!
Johnny Manziel - Cleveland Browns Rookie Quarterback – Manziel, a first round draft pick and a high-profile party boy, has made his “show me the money” hand gesture famous in recent times. Resolution: Put my money where my mouth is…wait…put my mouth where my money is…wait…put my hands where my money is…no…
Josh Gordon - Cleveland Brown Wide Receiver - Gordon served a 10 game suspension for violating the NFL drug policy in 2014. He then returned out of shape, sucked for 5 games and was suspended again for the season finale. Resolution: Party on!
Donald Sterling – Former Los Angeles Clippers Owner – Sterling received a lifetime ban from the NBA for racist comments made during a recorded conversation. Resolution: Install filter between brain and mouth. No, not thorough enough. What’s Jeter taking?
Roger Goodell – NFL Commissioner – Goodell was heavily criticized for his initial relative lack of discipline concerning the league’s domestic violence issues surrounding players like Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson in 2014. Resolution: I don’t know, maybe whip the offenders with a switch next time?
Marshawn Lynch - Seattle Seahawks Running Back – Much like my 5-year-old daughter, who also has a beast mode, Lynch is afraid to speak to strangers (fined $100K for avoiding the media) and can’t keep his hands off his privates in public (fined $11k for TD celebration crotch grab). Resolution: Yeah.
Richard Sherman – Seattle Seahawks Defensive Back – Sherman made headlines after the 2014 NFC Championship game with his loud post-game ranting interview with Fox reporter Erin Andrews. Resolution: Take a deep breath.
Jameis Winston – Florida State Quarterback – Winston has played his college career without losing a game. He’s won a Heisman Trophy and a national championship. He’s also been accused of rape, sexual assault, shooting windows out with a BB gun and stealing crab legs from Publix in the recent past. Resolution: Just get to the NFL where this is all cool.
Tiger Woods – PGA Tour Player – Woods has had his historic career derailed by injuries in recent years. Resolution: Stretch.
Brad Keselowski - NASCAR Driver – Keselowski is the freshly-minted NASCAR villain after being criticized for reckless driving and for being involved in post-race brawls with both Matt Kenseth and Jeff Gordon during 2014. Resolution: Head check before changing lanes.
Happy New Year and best of luck with those resolutions in 2015 fellas!